This isn't quite completed yet but I am adding more every day.
This is a very condensed version of my rather uneventful life. I wrote this for several reasons. First, for my immediate family. Second, for those few acquaintances and friends that have known me. Third, for those few friends I have met on the Internet in the transgender forums. But the ultimate reason is hopefully to explain to those who do not understand me why I suddenly seem to be somewhat different than expected.
And so it begins...
I would like to tell you a story. The story of how I arrived at this very critical point in my life, after many years of frustration and confusion, where I would actually want to change my whole being. A change that could transform the person I am now into a totally new and beautiful creature.
It all began in a time where the memories are somewhat difficult to recall. But the exact time and date do not matter. I was very young then and probably quite naive. I was born a boy in a small Midwestern town (the real Midwest) I shall refer to as Smallville. For those of you who haven't seen the series by the same name, that's in Kansas.
I grew up in a Catholic family, this meant twelve years of Catholic school. Oh, joy! At times this was quite traumatic. Growing up in a religious environment provided a lot of stress that I found was hard to deal with. The sexual issues were rather confusing to me. I soon learned that the feelings inside of me were not considered normal, in fact they were sinful. Wanting to wear girls clothes and wishing to be a girl was not what I was supposed to be doing. But this is what occupied a lot of my waking hours and at times even my dreams too. And to make matters even worse I had to deal with the normal sexual urges that every teen goes through. Many times I felt that my whole body was going to explode. I really do not know how I survived this time in my life.
I became very withdrawn and was afraid to talk to anyone about my feelings. The longer this went on the more fearful I became. And growing older made it that much worse. I just never let anyone know what was going on inside of me. In my junior year of high school I became so depressed that I had serious thoughts of ending it all. I could not see an end to my misery so I was going to make one. Fortunately I became interested in amateur radio and this provided a release that kept me from going off the deep end. Looking back now, it is a little scarry to realize how close I came to doing myself serious bodily harm. As you might imagine, I do not have a lot of fond memories of my school years but I did receive a first rate education and probably learned a lot of moral values which I hope I have applied wisely. And for that I am truly grateful.
I was the first born in our family and less than two years later my twin sisters came along. Growing up with two sisters were some of the happiest times of my life. We always had a lot of fun together. Even though I was the oldest, my sisters always seemed to pick what games we played. But I guess I did not mind it because we always had fun. We would spend many hours in the hot summer afternoons playing hop-scotch on the sidewalk in front of our house. On rainy or cold days we stayed inside and played Monopoly, Dominoes, or Checkers. I can remember playing with many of their toys. The doll house that I really wanted for my own. The tea sets and the make believe tea parties and of course the dolls. The ones you had to turn one way and then another to make them say mama or papa whichever you preferred. But I honestly cannot remember much about the toys I had of my own. Maybe I just did not like playing with them. I do remember having some jacks and a ball. I think I was pretty good at this game. In some small way these early life experiences would later play a part in shaping my young life.
But the very earliest years of my life, at least until I was four or five, were dominated by my aunt. She was single then, very beautiful, and I was very much in love with her. She wanted a child and although she married later in her life she never had children. So she would often borrow me from my mom sometimes for days or even a week or more at a time. I'm not sure what her reasoning was but she would often dress me as a girl. I have a few distant memories of this but a few years after my aunt died my mom told me all about my early life as a "girl". Wearing pretty white, pink, and blue dresses with white knee socks and black patent leather Mary-Jane shoes.
After I started grade school the dressing stopped but I remained very close to my aunt and she would continue to be a major influence in my life. I would still live with her, again for days or weeks at a time, and this continued all the way through my high school graduation. I was her gardener, errand boy, and when I turned sixteen, her chauffeur. I spent most of my free time with her and some people would even think she was my mom.
And then at some point during my early grade school years it happened. I was supposed to be doing my homework and studying after school. But I always had several hours alone before my aunt returned home from work. So one day I found myself standing in front of her open closet door staring at all of her pretty clothes. I remember she had so many very nice clothes. She mostly wore skirts and blouses or sweaters. They were so soft and warm and always felt so good to touch and caress. This soon became an addiction for me. I needed to touch and feel the clothes like they had some magic in them. It was the thought and feel of being feminine that captured my heart and soul. Although I did not realize it then this desire to be feminine would be a part of my life to this very day.
I soon progressed from just touching the clothes to trying them on and wearing them around the house.
After high school graduation.
Through the years the desire to be feminine has steadily grown until one day I realized that I was living most of my life dressed as a woman. My closet had slowly started to fill up with womens clothes. I have even gone out a few times late at night dressed as a woman. But I always felt alone and isolated. Even so with the right make up and selection of clothes I could look very presentable. But I could never be sure that I would be completely passable as a girl. So I was stuck in my apartment living in a prison that I had created for myself. All dressed up and no place to go, that was me.
This is not a good way to go through life. Living in isolation and darkness. But I have been doing just that for most of my life. I'm not sure how much longer I could have existed this way. If it were not for the Internet, I probably still would be languishing in the dark not knowing what was really going on. Fortunately last June I joined a transgender forum and started to learn a lot about those unusual things that have so long been a part of my life. There was so much information on this subject that I spent hours each night trying to understand it all. And even many more hours searching the Internet for still more answers. I now am beginning to understand and feel better about myself. My only regret is that I did not know all of this sooner. I now know there are countless others like me trying to make some sort of sense of their mixed up world. I am not alone. The forum is a place where I feel loved and wanted. Everyone there understands my feelings and cares about me. I visit there almost every day. I wish the whole world could be this way.
One of my New Years resolutions was to do something about my sad existence. So in early January 06' I started therapy. It has been a very pleasant experience thus far. The therapy is to help me to decide what course of action I should take in my life.
So now we reach the point where I am today. Sitting here working on this web page trying to explain why I want to change from being a boy to a girl. For me the reasons why I want to change do not seem important. I have felt this way for a long time and these thoughts and feelings have always been a comfort to me. Although I kept them hidden for such a long time I never considered them to be wrong, just different. I love dressing up and feeling feminine it is a very beautiful experience. I never want to lose this part of my life. It is one of the few reasons I have for living.
The part of me that I have shown outwardly all these years is not really who I am. I have always known that there was a feminine part of me. I can no longer keep these secrets hidden. I don't want to hurt anyone. I have no other choice than to let everything out. I want to be free. I am so tired of being locked up and alone. I am hoping everyone will understand this. All I ask from those who are close to me is some degree of understanding and acceptance for me as joanna.
I did not do anything to make this happen, it just did. I can't change my feelings or make them go away. I'm not sure I could do that even if I tried. It would hurt me too much and possibly destroy my life. Please do not deny me this small part of my existence. I have lived with all this inside of me for far too long, it's time now for me to live my life the way my heart leads. Is that too much to ask from anyone? This is not a crime, I'm not doing anything wrong and I should not be punished. Please, please just accept me as I am and let's all go on with our lives as though nothing has happened. So what if I look somewhat different and act a little different, I'm still the same person inside. My love for those close to me has not changed and it never will except to grow stronger.
